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DON'T

As parents, we use this word, don't, with our children all the time and more often than you might immediately think.

"Don't spill your drink.; don't run around the house; don't eat with your mouth open."

Why is it such a bad word?

Our brain is amazing but it does have it's restrictions. In normal speech, our brain cannot process negation FIRST. Try this:

Don't think of a pink elephant with green spots.

What's the first thing you thought of and what was the picture in your head - a pink elephant with green spots. You have to think of what you have been told not to think about, before you can not think about it. Crazy - but that's the way our brains work. This is how your brain recognises the sentance:

Think of a pink elephant with green spots, don't.

This is how your child hears your request every time you say don't. Have a look athe next couple of sentances and then think how your children would hear them

"Don't go out on the street on your own."

"Don't accept a lift from a stranger."

"Don't be back after 10pm."

Makes interesting reading, doesn't it? So how do we fix it? Make your instruction positive one rather than a negative one. The following are positive suggestions for the examples given above.

"Be careful with your drink."

"Walk around your house."

"Close your mouth when you are eating."

"Think of a giraffe."

"If you want to go out in the street, get an adult first."

"Stay away from strangers and never trust them."

"Make sure to be home before 10pm."

Keep practising leaving the word don't out of your vocabulary and your communication will improve.

NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT

As adults, we all feel we have limitations as to what we can achieve or do. Why is that? We're all human, so why can't we all do the same things? It sounds very Freudian, but it is down to how we were brought up. Most of it due to our parents. There are other factors and these are discussed in detail in the practical parenting section. What we say to our children and what they are exposed to in the family home affects their values, their beliefs, their attitudes and most importantly their limitations (limiting beliefs). How many times have you told your children they can't do something because they might hurt themselves or maybe they are too small or too young to attempt something yet.

"Can I make myself a cup of tea?" "No. You might burn yourself."

"Can I go round to my friends house on my own?" "No. you don't know how to cross the road safely."

"Can I make my own dinner tonight?" "No. You might set the house on fire and barbeque the whole family."

Keep telling your children they can't, sooner or later they will believe it. We need to use positive reinforcement and lead by example. Nurture their natural abilities and talents and they will become confident, self reliant and respectful of your authority.

LACK OF CONTINUITY

This is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting to achieve. Ever heard the phrase, "Give them an inch." Why do we struggle with continuity. Usually because we are too tired or too busy.

Youv'e had a busy day at the office, your'e tired, youv'e had a shower, made the dinner, tidied the kitchen, put the dishwasher on and ready for a comfy seat infront of a Touch of Frost at 9. Your kids come in to see you and you tell them it's time for bed. Then it comes

"Oh dad. We're watching a documentary on the Tudors. It doesn't finish until 9.40. Can we stay up. Please."

Your'e too tired to argue and your programme is about to start, so you give in. It's the start of a never ending snowball. It's a bit crass for me to say that all you need to do is chose what your'e going to do and how to do it and then stick to it. It really is that simple. Make sure you and your partner know what the rules are, then let your children know.

One of the best ways we have found to implement rules is to type them up, print them out and place the list in a prominent position where your kids will see it every day without fail. Creating a tick chart for the jobs to do also works treat (Star chart for the younger ones)

CRITICISM

Children make mistakes all the time. They have to otherwise they would never learn anything(There is never failure, only feedback). What we have to remember as conscientious parents is NOT to dwell on the negative but reinforce the positive. It's very easy to come down on our kids for doing something wrong or to critisize a mistake but we find it a lot more difficult to praise our children for doing something right.

A few years ago, a colleague of ours, was running leadership and mentoring programmes in Inner London schools. She asked of one class, to list 10 things they didn't like about themselves. Everyone was finished in less than 5 minutes. She then asked them to write down 10 things they liked about themselves. In 10 minutes, not one child of the 33 could come up with more than 3 things! Children tend to take criticism to heart because they tend to hear more of that than praise. If they are to learn from their mistakes we have to help improve. A wise man once said:

"Learn by other peoples mistakes as you'll never have enough time to make them all yourself."

Help your children to understand this and compliment their success'. Instead of complaing about how much food they drop when they are eating, encourage them to take smaller mouthfuls, slow down their eating( we also run Paul McKenna's Easy Weight Loss program which can used for children of any age - the younger ones with adult supervision. I used it last summer and went from 14St 6lbs to 12St 1lb in 2 months) and then compliment them when they eat well. Even if it is the smallest thing, tell them they have done well. When they are quiet and leave you alone to get on, thank them and reward them.

A happy child will learn and respond in far greater ways than an unhappy one.

INCONGRUITY

I don't need to say much here. If you have ever seen Supernanny, this comes up almost everytime. It brings up one of those old cliches.

"Make sure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet."

Whatever rules you may have. Whether its set bedtimes or how much television they can watch, there is no use whatsoever of only one parent enforcing the rule if the other gives free reign. Both of you have to enforce the same rule - consistantly. If there is a particular problem area with your child, discuss this with your partner and make absolutelty certain you are telling your children the same thing.

If you are a single parent, get your eldest to help you enforce the rules.

INDIRECT INSTRUCTION

This is an easy one to miss. I still do this sometimes and have to correct myself. Children, for most of their adolescent years, interpret everything in their favour for an easy life. They are experts at being lazy (unless of course they are focused and driven). Have a look at these two sentances:

"Can you go and tidy your room please?"

"Go and tidy your room, NOW."

The first is most likely the sort of thing you would normally say. Now, say it out loud. It's a question isn't it? Notice how the tone of your voice hardly changes. The natural unconcious response in your childs head is

"Yes. I can."

Then they carry on with whatever thet are doing. Try and use any similar sentance asking them to do something and it still ends up being a question. Now, try the second sentance out loud but make sure to drop your tone slightly on the last word.

Correctly illiterated, commands always drop tone at the end of the sentance. Using "NOW", is a specific command word. It defines your instruction in a way that your childs brain will recognise as specific command and not a request. If, for any reason you find that this does not work as well as you would like, you can use an advanced speech pattern called "implied Command."

A great deal of research was done in the 1960's by the American Military. They found that three part instructions created the best results, most of the time. For example:

"Go upstairs, go to your room, and tidy it, NOW."

"Go to the kitchen, collect your plates and put them in the dishwasher, NOW."

Use the same tone and inflections as before. As you can see from the above, the "Implied Command" is the third part of your instruction. As with everything, a little practise will soon have you reeling these off without a second thought.

 

 

We hope that this was informative and the tips we have given you are of use. If there are other areas of your parenting that you have issues with, please let us know by e-mail and we should be able to help and update our reports. Also, if you are confused or don't understand anything, let us know by e-mail and we will clarify any points you have and update our free reports where necessary.